


Shoulder To Cry On

by Greenfrogger



Series: Greefrogger's Brad and Ryan stories [6]
Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Character Death, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 02:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14226906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greenfrogger/pseuds/Greenfrogger
Summary: Patricia Stiles is diagnosis with Alzheimer's and quickly her health fails.  This story is in first person format and it's from Brad's point of view.Again I write in my favorite format: Hurt/Comfort, someone has Alzheimer, and Colin is not the nicest person in the story (although he's not a complete asshat at the end of the story). *Sorry Colin fans....





	Shoulder To Cry On

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fictional story - has no bearing whatsoever in reality. It's was an idea to continue my Brad/Ryan stories and this is what I came up with.
> 
> For the moment this story is complete although I want to add more, I'm not sure if I will or not. We will see.

This morning I get ready to be the fourth chair on Whose Line Is It Anyways. My day was going swimmingly well until I reached the common room that the four “actors” sat together until showtime. Usually there was a lot of laughter, drinking, and maybe the enjoyment of a toke. This time when I walked in the common room I suddenly realize that Ryan’s demeanor wasn’t his happy go-lucky self. I wanted to talk to him but without everyone around us. Ryan and I had this unspoken, close friendship that no one but Dan knew about. Everyone, including Colin, thought Ryan and Colin were the best of friends. I would learn much later that night what the stressor suddenly was in Ryan’s life. I could tell that whatever was bothering him, he was trying not let it affect his work but even I could tell it’s was a losing battle. The emotion on his face, his rigid and rocking body posture, and the snarly attitude he was giving anyone who dare speak to him, showed that Ryan wouldn’t be able to perform.

Colin tried to speak with Ryan but to no avail. I’ll admit I did giggle at his attempt. I knew Ryan wouldn’t share his personal life with him especially after what he had said and did to me but more about that later in the story. Frustrated, Colin went to Wayne to see if he had any juicy gossip. I decided to ask Colin about Ryan.

“What’s up with Ryan, Colin?” I asked.

“I was just telling Wayne that he won’t tell me a damn thing. He just said he wanted to be left alone. I realized that the conversation wasn’t going to go any further so I left him be.”

I left the conversation and quietly watched Ryan from across the room. I wanted to go over there and give him a hug but Ryan didn’t like PDA’s, not even from his wife. In his own words, to many people witnessing his and her’s private moments. Whatever was bothering him, I would have to wait to help him once the show was over with and we we’re in the safety of being alone in his hotel room. Colin had known the man for over 20 years and even if they were good friends, as Colin would like to think, he should have known that Ryan does not open up to anyone in a crowd setting. Everyone knew, cast, crew, heck probably the studio knew that Ryan was the most introverted person probably on the planet. Unless it was an emergency, he wouldn’t say a damn word to anyone unless they were alone. I knew I couldn’t get close to Ryan because he may just lose his cool and hold on to me for dear life and that would probably embarrass him worse than what ever situation was going on at home. I also didn’t want to jeopardize the trust he had in me so I stayed at the other side of the room.

Except for Dan and Pat, no one knew how close friends Ryan and I were. If they ever found out they probably would be scratching their heads wondering how, the stoic leader of the cast was best friends with the goofiest member - Brad do anything to get a laugh Sherwood. Our friendship developed after I decided to file for divorce from Seana. He was the only cast member that knew why my marriage crumbled but he made sure that I was okay. It took a bit, but with help from Pat, Ryan was able to learn how to text, tweet, and e-mail me. He hadn’t mentioned anything was wrong in his recent communications so for the life of me I couldn’t even comprehend what was wrong. Obviously, what ever it was it was big and it was affecting his work. I can’t say I wasn’t worried but I tried to keep it at a bare minimum until I could talk to him one-on-one in a few hours.

I did my traditional pre-show ritual which was to sip a gin and tonic. As I was making this, I saw Ryan get off the couch, quickly talk to Dan, and leave. As he left the room, Ryan and I made eye contact, he mouthed the word “call” to me. It took a second to figure out what it meant but I figured I would call him later. I wish I could have follow him then, but I had a job to do and Ryan wouldn’t allow me to miss the show, even if he was in obvious emotional pain.

In attempt to help, Colin started to go after Ryan but was stopped immediately by Dan. “Folks,” Dan announced to the room, suddenly people stopped talking and listened to him, “I’m going to make a few phone calls to see if Greg or Jeff can step in for Ryan. Right now Ryan wants to be left alone,” Dan said, looking directly at Colin, “and not be bother. He can’t give the show 100 percent today so him and I decided to see if we can contact another improviser. Give me some time and I’ll figure out what our plan will be.”

As Dan left the room, my phone, which was in my back pocket, buzzed. I had a suspicion who the text was from so I stepped away from everyone. I go to a vacant corner of the room, take a look at everyone, who were all engaged in their own business and pull out my phone. The area code was from 360 and the only person I know from that code is Ryan. The message was simple, “Call me when you can.” Wishing I could leave without causing suspicion, I simply texted him back the word “Okay” and sent it. Something was going on and he wanted to talk to me but obviously in private.

Dan came back in the room and indicated that Greg was able to fill in for Ryan. I was half hoping Dan couldn’t find anyone. An hour later, Greg joined Colin, Wayne and myself in the room to go over with Dan the show’s rundown. When Dan left, he announced that we would begin taping in 15 minutes, which gave Colin ample time to start questioning Greg about Ryan.

Knowing that Greg was a good friend of Ryan’s and usually is up to speed on Ryan’s life, Colin pounced on Greg the moment he could. Besides Ryan, Greg was the only other member of Whose Line who knew what was going on, I would later learn because he had to explain to Greg why he suddenly didn’t want to go on the road.

“Greg, do you know what’s wrong with Ryan?”

“Sorry, Colin, I haven’t spoken to Ryan since we haven’t toured lately.”

“You haven’t?” Colin asked surprised.

Greg knew Colin was fishing for a bite of information from Greg. Greg had told Colin that the four of them (Ryan, Greg, Jeff, and Chip) wouldn’t be on the road for awhile when Colin tried to arrange for our group and there group to get together while on the road.

“Colin, you knew that we hadn’t been touring for awhile.”

“I know, I just want to know what’s going on so I can help him.”

“Colin, maybe he doesn’t want our help. He is a grown man, after all. Sometimes it takes time to resolve issues; not other people trying to push their opinions on how to solve problems.” I overheard Greg said to Colin and almost choked on my drink. I don’t know if Colin got the hint or if the sentence went right over his head, though. “Colin, you know as well as anyone if Ryan wants our help he’ll reach out to us and ask for it.”

“Yeah, I know.

“Right. So right now, put Ryan out of your head and let’s do some improve together.”

The show went on as me, Wayne, Colin, and Greg sitting in Ryan’s chair. The audience was informed by Drew that Ryan was ill and Greg was filling in. 

Obviously Drew didn’t know the real reason why Ryan couldn’t perform. If it was known that it was a family emergency there would be someone in the audience that would have tried to figure out what it was and may get a lucky break and find out why. Ryan would have been sicken that his privacy, that he holds so dear, would have been breeched.

The show went okay. It wasn’t my best work but it was useable. I struggled not to worry too much about Ryan and focus on the task at hand. Once the show was over with, I stayed away from everyone, quickly changed, and drove off the lot towards the hotel where Ryan was staying. My main concern was getting to Ryan as quickly as possible. Eventually, Colin would hunt me down, wondering why I didn’t go to the bar afterwards but I would think of some excuse later. Once I was off the studio’s property I stopped in a parking lot and texted Ryan asking him where he was at. He texted back at the hotel, in room 117. 

Ryan and his fears. As executive producer and star of Whose Line, Ryan should be living in luxury while he’s in California but he has two big fears that prevent this: elevators and heights. He’s afraid of being stuck in an elevator, plain and simple. He has a fear that if a fire happened in the hotel he was staying at, he wants to be able to get out as quickly as possible through the window so he only stays on the first floor. He equipped his own home with fire escape stairs for each second floor bedroom window as a precaution.

How did Ryan and I become close friends? Our two tour groups ended our tours together in New York and Colin was suppose to fly with Ryan from New York back to Seattle. It was a well known fact that Ryan was fearful of flying - just not being in control of his own destiny. At this particular moment Ryan was overanxious about flying and Colin was becoming super-annoyed. He told Ryan that his fears were stupid and childish. Before World War Three started backstage I stepped in and told Ryan that I would fly with him instead.

I had always known about Ryan’s fear but I didn’t understand the severity of it. I did give Ryan the option of renting a car and making the three or four day cross country trip back home but at that time Ryan probably couldn’t handle me trying to be funny for three or four days. So Ryan reluctantly agreed to fly to Seattle with him. I had even planned to rent a car to drive him to Bellingham from Sea-Tac so I knew he got home safely. I’m sure his nerves would be pretty shot after a long flight. I would then lazily make my way home to Los Angeles.

I give Ryan and anyone who can face their fears a lot of credit. While waiting to board the plane, anxious and nervous, Ryan opens up to me about his past plane failures. He was told to take a sleeping pill and sleep through the flight but the pill didn’t do what it was suppose to do. Instead, it made him more anxious and worrisome during the flight the one time he did try it. He also explained to me that usually he would split up his flights into two short ones but after a six week tour with the guys all he wanted to do was sleep in his own bed in his own comfortable clothes, and sit in his backyard and fish off his dock in his backyard. I can understand the part about sleeping in your bed, surrounded by your own stuff, not in some stuffy hotel room that you can’t remember what city you’re in. 

 

Ryan enjoyed a couple of stiff drinks prior to the flight to give him the courage to board the plane and calm his nerves. He offered to buy me one but I declined. I normally can handled my alcohol consumption pretty well but if something would happen during the five hour flight I want to make sure I’m there for him one hundred percent. I also want to be able to realize any anxiety attacks that are beginning to happen before they happen to avoid embarrassment for him as well. I know it’s hard enough for him to ask for me or anyone to go on a flight with him so I want to make sure that I’m ready to go if necessary.

My responsibility was to keep Ryan calm and his mind off the fact that he was in an airplane, out of control. It worked well and he dozed off about half hour into the flight. Three hours into the flight the plane hit turbulence over the Rockies Mountain range.

Ryan, in his sleep ridden mind woke up thinking we were going to crash. I had to think quickly to calm Ryan down before he embarrassed himself. I grabbed both his hands, rubbing my thumbs over his hands, and talked to him in my lowest register that everything was okay. It took Ryan a few minutes, but he soon realized he was okay. Granted he was in a plane, but it wasn't hurdling to the ground and the turbulence was over with. I was thankful we were in first class, in the last row and no one could watch us without physically turning around and staring at us, to witness how intimate we were with one another. He was able to calm himself enough to doze off again. I kept his cold and clammy hands in my warm hands and kept reassuring him everything would be okay. I didn’t let go until we touched the ground, something he was thankful for. I told him, if he ever had to fly again and needed someone to go with him, just ask me and I’ll be there.

When I arrive at Ryan’s hotel room, after the taping, I am suddenly nervous about how to handle Ryan. I hate not knowing what’s going on or what his emotional state is. Whatever it is, it’s big. So big that he wasn’t able to improvise, which is his favorite thing to do. I finally knock on his door and wait. When he does open it I can tell that Ryan has been crying and drinking by the way his breath smells. I quickly get him and I inside and shut the door. The moment the door shuts, I grabbed Ryan’s hand, escort him to the couch and immediately grab onto each other into a tight hug, crying.

I don’t know how much time passes before he calms. I situate myself in the corner of the couch and Ryan wiggles himself so his head is on my chest. I gently run my hand up and down his back, gently caressing him. When Ryan is ready to talk, he will. Right now I just give him the comfort he so badly needs.

Eventually Ryan talks. “Pat doesn’t know who I am anymore.”

I stop my hand. Ryan never mentioned that Pat had as much as a sniffle, let alone a life debilitating disease. Not knowing what else to do, I continue my hand up and down his back.

“I don’t know what to say, Ryan,” I state. I would like to say I’m sorry but it doesn’t seem like right. I wish I had the words that make this all better. “How long has this been going on, Ryan?”

“It’s been about six months. The disease has progressed pretty fast. It started when she forgot to pick Clare up at school. That led to forgetting which day of the week it was. The moment I knew something was wrong was when a neighbor and good friend of ours call me saying that she drove past our house and saw Pat sitting in her car with the driver door open. She returned 30 minutes later and Pat was sitting in the same spot so she called me out of concern. I rushed home from Uptown to find her still in the car. It was scary, Brad. I got her to go into the house with me and once she sat at the kitchen table she came out of the trance. She was confused as much as I was. She didn’t know how long she was sitting in the car nor had any memory of it, which frightened us both. It wasn’t long that she was diagnosis with Alzheimer. Now her disease has progressed to the point that she doesn’t know who I am anymore.

A couple of days ago her parents agreed to come over to watch her so I could do Whose Line. I didn’t want to leave her but everyone kept telling me it’s was a good if I had time for myself. As I was ready to walk out the door Pat came to me and asked who I was. I knew at that moment she would never remember who I was. Her parents overheard the question and just sensed I was overwhelmed. Mom took her into the kitchen to eat ice cream while I gathered the last few things before leaving.”

I promised Ryan that I wouldn’t tell anyone about Pat’s diagnosis. For the moment I would be Ryan’s rock, listening to him when he needed to get something off his chest. I silently said a prayer to help Ryan and his family provide Pat with the best possible life in the time she has left. I wished there was a way I could fix Pat and I know Ryan wished too but it just wasn’t in the cards.

I asked Ryan why he didn’t have Dan cancel Whose Line. “I forgot all about my work requirements since the beginning of the year. I turned the calendar page and there it was in black and white for this weekend. I called Dan and we agreed to cancel the rest of the tapings after this weekend. I wasn’t expecting Pat to forget who I was nor did I think it would hurt this bad. Pat’s parents were gracious enough to stay at the house with her while I was gone. They also didn’t let me feel guilty and indicated that I needed to take a mental and emotional break at times as well. Once her mom got her settled eating ice cream, they both met me near the front door before I left. They thanked me for making their daughter happy and not leaving her at her most neediest time. They told me they had everything under control and not to rush back. If something happened that needed my attention they would call me.”

Silent minutes pass. I finally suggested to Ryan to get into bed and get some sleep. He then says something that makes me realize how much Pat’s illness has affected him.

“You’re going to stay with me, right?” Ryan asked. I told him I would sleep on the couch. Apparently that’s not what he wanted. “No, I need you.”

I was perplexed and Ryan must have understood so he continued. “I don’t remember much from the moment I left the house until you showed up.” Ryan paused, looking at me to see if I understood.

“I don’t recall the drive to LA or how I got to the studio. I remember seeing you at some point, but Colin was there and I knew that I didn’t want to break down in front of him or anyone else that was there. I saw Dan and said something to him, got in my car, and drove here. At some point I texted you to come over to my hotel room, obviously since you’re here. I just know the moment you got here is the clearest memory I’ve had since I talked to Pat’s parents before I left the house.”

I lay down and Ryan lays his longer frame on top of me, laying sideways so he can lay his head on my chest and hear my heartbeat. He puts the television on Game Show network for background noise. His phone rings, he grabs it, looking who calling and hands it to me. I see it’s Pat’s Mom and answer it. Obviously whatever it is, Ryan is not equip to handle it at the moment and trust me enough to take care of it.

In answering the phone, I quickly explain to Ryan’s Mother-In-Law who I was. She and her husband are relieved that Ryan is okay and someone is there with him. They were concern about his mental status because of what happened at the house before Ryan left. I assured them that he was okay and that I would be staying with him. I realize that the timbre in my voice has lulled Ryan to sleep and I hope he stays asleep.

Pat’s mother just wanted to give Ryan a hug when she over heard her daughter ask who Ryan was. “The hurt in his eyes Brad was something I never wanted to see,” she says. “I didn’t know how to comfort him because we all knew that this was probably the beginning of the end for her.

Brad, I know this is horrible but I pray every night that God take Pat to heaven because while she may not realize what’s going on I hate to see Ryan and the kids try to smile to keep her in a good mood while they’re crying on the inside.”

As morbid as it is, I can’t disagree with her. Especially since Pat has forgotten who Ryan is and assuming she doesn’t remember her kids.

I’m brought out of my thoughts as she says something else, “I can’t say anything about Ryan except that he’s a saint and we’re thankful that he didn’t abandon her when her health began to fail. But now I’m more worried about him and his emotional well being. You know him Brad, he’s very stoic, proud man and keeps his feelings in, away because he’s suppose to be the strong one.”

“Yes, ma’am. I’m quite aware of that. I don’t know how he kept it together enough to get to the room without breaking down.”

“The other thing that’s weighing on my mind is that as much as Ryan wants to keep her home, near familiar things, my husband and I talked to her doctor and the three of us think it’s time to start looking into a facility that deals with memory care. It’s not fair to Ryan for him to look after her 24 hours a day, seven days a week and having him to worry about her safety and well-being. I tell her that’s a conversation that she needs to have with Ryan soon especially if she’s starting to forget who he is. We then quickly end our conversation.

After ending the call, I get ready for bed. I put the remote to the television and my phone in a spot where I can reach them once I lay down and then use the restroom. While in there, I could hear noises but I figured they were coming from the television. Once I finish, I realize it’s Ryan in the middle of a nightmare. Not knowing what to do, I yelled his name and fortunately it spooked him out of the nightmare. I immediately sit on the bed as Ryan sits up and bear hugs me so tight for a moment I couldn’t breathe.

“I thought you left me,” he said between tears and trying to catch his breath. Whatever the dream was about it shook him to his core. “I’m going fucking insane, Brad. I can’t handle this.”

“Yes, you can handle this,” I whisper in his ear while I’m rocking him so gently. “But right now you’re exhausted and running on your emotions which isn’t good. You need a good night sleep, Ryan. I promise I’m not going anywhere. Where ever you need me, I’ll be there. It doesn’t matter if you need me to be a warm body to hold you so you can get a good night sleep or just stand next to you for moral support. I’ll be there.”

I let that sink in for a moment and then continue.

“God, Ryan, I’m so sorry that Pat’s ill and all you can do is watch her whittle away. When you need a shoulder to cry on, or a hug, or even to be held while sleeping to keep nightmares away, I’ll be there for you. Right now, you need to sleep and if you want me to hold you tonight or whatever night, I will. Tomorrow, we’ll talk and brainstorm a plan. Within moments Ryan was asleep and I wasn’t far behind him.

~*~

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. It takes a moment but I get my bearings together, realizing that I’m in a hotel room with Ryan who told me that his lovely wife has Alzheimers and no longer remembers who he is.

We hadn’t moved much during the night. Ryan twisted his body so now he’s holding on to me like a teddy bear, but his ear still hears my heartbeat. I’m sure that he hasn’t slept this well since his wife’s diagnosis so I stay put, grab my phone and allow Ryan to continue his precious sleep. I see that Colin has texted me several times, mostly wondering where I went after the taping. I wanted to just ignore the texts but I do tour with the man so I had to respond. 

In the middle of Colin’s texts was one from Dan. He had a good idea where I was at and knew what was going on with Pat.

“Heads up. Colin wants to corner Ryan to force him 2 talk. Prob go to hotel & try 2 find Ryan. May want to check out and go to your house. C thinks R is over-emo. Obs don’t know whats going on. Sry didn’t catch more, had to leave b/c C ran mouth. Either kill him or blurt out Pat sick. Neither good idea.”

You may be asking yourselves, isn’t Colin staying at the same hotel as Ryan? I’ll answer that in a moment.

There was one thing I should have realized and didn’t was that Colin would try and contact Ryan. I see that Ryan’s phone is flashing, indicating there’s a voicemail. It’s from Colin who called at 3:00 in the morning, inebriated.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? What? Is Brad your new buddy buddy since I won’t fly with you anymore? You’ve got to get over your hang ups, man. I keep telling you when it’s your time to go, it’s time.” 

The message made me wonder if Colin’s life was in danger, would he have the same lackadaisical attitude or would he be begging for his life? I bet he would be praying pretty hard.

Suddenly, I hear Ryan’s voice.

“I can’t stand Colin anymore,” he whispered to me with his eyes shut, arms around me, holding me like a lifeline. “He makes me feel stupid.”

I didn’t realize that Ryan was awake and heard the voicemail.

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I know he was at one time your best friend.”

“A couple of years ago we boarded a plane to fly from Seattle to Los Angeles when my anxiety got the best of me. I apologized to the stewardess, explaining that I was having a panic attack and couldn’t fly. She helped getting me off the plane and getting my checked luggage back to me. The airline was nice about the whole situation and made sure I was okay to drive before letting me be. Colin, on the other hand, couldn’t stop laughing about how much of a coward I was for months after that.”

“Ryan, you’re not a coward. Whatever you need, you let me know.”

“At this moment I just need this; someone who will listen to me and talk to me and not judge me or try to fix it. Someone who doesn’t make me feel so stupid."

“Never. You were there for me when I divorced Seana. You were the only one that ever called to see how I was doing. All Colin did was tell me these things happen when one spouse is on the road a lot. What great advice that was, unh? I wonder if he ever hears himself talk?”

“Can I ask you a favor?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Can you go with me back to Washington?”

“I don’t see why not? Colin and I aren’t touring for another month or so.”

I tell Ryan about the text Dan sent and he agrees to check out of the hotel and stay with me tonight. The plan is to get up early tomorrow and make our way to his home in Bellingham. When we get to my place, I back Ryan’s car in my garage park my car in my driveway.

I give the grand tour of my small home. I make us a quick breakfast and then pack a suitcase. Ryan sits on my bed, watching me. I can see his eyes droop close, only to surprise himself awake. After this happens a couple of times I tell the Ryan to get under the covers and get some rest and within moments he’s asleep. I quietly finish packing, putting my suitcase by the back door so I can grab it on the way out.

I check the house, making sure that all my blinds are closed so a certain someone can’t see in. Satisfied, I go into the bathroom and take a shower. I’m drying myself off when I hear the doorbell. There’s nothing turned on like a television or light so he can’t tell someone is in the house. He rings it one more time, disappointed that I don’t answer the door. I can hear him say, “I know you’re in there, Sherwood. Where else would you be when you’re car is in the driveway?” He waits a few minutes for a response and then I hear him walk down the front porch steps, away from the house. I check on Ryan, thankful he’s still sleeping, before I plop myself on the couch, turn on the television, falling asleep in seconds.

We awoke from our naps near 1:00 p.m. As I was making lunch I tell Ryan that Colin was by earlier in the day. He wasn’t surprised. We continue to talk and I tell him that I’m packed and my suitcase is by the back door. He excuses himself and calls home to let Mom and Dad know that I’ll be coming home with him.

 

Still emotionally exhausted, Ryan fell asleep in the safety of my arms around 5:00 p.m. I still had a some last minute things to do before going to sleep so I gently ease out of bed, praying that Ryan stays asleep. As I’m slipping out from underneath him my phone rings. It’s Seana. This conversation would be the first we had since she walked out of my life. I knew she was calling because Colin had put her up to it. Why would Colin have anything to do with my ex-wife? Let me explain.

I never explained to family, friends, and fans, with the exception of Ryan, why my marriage to Seana ended. It started innocently enough - Colin decided to go back to his hotel room after the Whose Line taping that I was the fourth chair because he was tired and he was scheduled to do another taping the next day. I called Seana but it went to voicemail. I wasn’t concern because she hadn’t been feeling well and I figure she was sleeping.

When I got home Seana was up. I don’t know what led me to ask her this question was, “I called earlier, why didn’t you answer?” She could had said I was sleeping but she said she didn’t know where her phone was. I “pinged” her phone and it pinged at the hotel where the cast stays while filming Whose Line. I couldn’t wrap my head around why her phone would be there. She then stood up, grabbed her purse and keys to her car, and drove away. It took a moment but my brain caught up and I realize that she was having an affair. I thought for a moment about who and it dawned on me that it had to be Colin. Colin had divorced his wife the previous year and was the only cast member that Seana had met since we toured together.

 

I called Ryan who was staying at the same hotel as Colin, explaining that I thought Seana was having an affair with Colin. As we’re talking he sees Seana come into the hotel and go straight to the elevators. All the rooms are surrounded by the swimming pool so Ryan can see her get off at the top floor and go to one of the suites doors. The door opens and she walks in Ryan tells me, not seeing who was in the room. She’s only in there a few minutes when she steps out and Ryan spots Colin giving her a kiss on the lips. Ryan makes me promise not to do anything stupid and tells me if necessary to come and stay with him at the hotel. 

When Seana came home, she casually past me and heads to the bedroom. I want to say something to her but nothing comes out. She picks up a suitcase, packs some clothes and other essentials, closes it and takes it with her. As she walks out she hands me divorce papers and leaves. Our divorce was a simple affair. The lawyers were able to work out an agreement that we were both satisfied with. Within a month I was single again. She never explained why she cheated with Colin. I have wondered if Colin knew we were still together or if he felt an ounce of guilt about breaking up my marriage.

Fast forward a year and a half later, and today’s phone call would be the first day since she walked out that we have spoken to each other.

I say hello and she responds, “Why didn’t you answer the door for Colin?”

I don’t respond. Maybe she’ll get a hint?

Neither one of us speaks for a couple of minutes and wonder if she hung up when she suddenly starts talking.

“I’m sorry Brad for cheating on you with Colin. I wasn’t truthful to Colin about the status of our relationship. I told him that you had left me. He was so sweet to me and then one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in bed together. I should have been honest with you in the beginning, told you I wanted out and handed you the papers.”

Finally finding my voice, I ask, “So you and Colin are still together, then?”

“Yes, and it’s wonderful.”

I’m confused about why it’s wonderful but I’m trying to get her off the phone. Stupid me though, keeps the conversation going.

“Does he know that you and him are together?”

“Yes, he knows the whole story that I lied to him about you leaving but we were able to move past that.”

Minutes of silence pass again.

“Colin thought you would answer my call instead of him. Colin wanted to know why you’re ignoring him. He said it had to do something with Ryan.”

I paused for a moment before I spoke. “Seana, Colin never came over.”

So it was a lie. Hey, I’m an improviser - I think on my feet for a living.

Either Seana got a clue or she took my lie for the truth.

“Alright then, I tell Colin that you didn’t hear the doorbell,” and as odd as it was for her to call, she oddly hung up. I still can’t understand what the attraction is between her and Colin. I’m sure she’ll agree that we were heading for divorce but me learning she cheated on me with Colin gave us the boost to go through with the divorce. I quickly finish tidying the house and by 7:00, Ryan and I are sleeping together in my bed.

~*~

Before the sun broke the horizon, Ryan and I are on the road heading to Bellingham. It was a long trip but we made it there around Midnight. Pat was sleeping but her parents welcomed us with open arms. Mom went into “mom mode” and quickly escorted Ryan to a bedroom upstairs while her Dad and I went into the kitchen to get something to drink and talk.

She came down a few moments later and said he was sleeping the moment his head hit the pillow, something I was relieved about. They insist that I call them Mom and Dad instead of Mrs. and Mr. because to them it sounds too formal.

“Okay, Brad, how’s Ryan holding up?” Mom asked.

“He’s trying to hold it together but failing miserably. He told me he didn’t remember the drive or being at the studio. His first, clear, conscious memory was when I arrived at his hotel room after the taping of Whose Line. He wasn’t able to do the taping, they had to call Greg in for him.”

“He’s struggling with the idea of her not remembering him. He doesn’t know what to do because he can’t just fix the problem,” Dad said. “He’s a nervous person as it was but this just amped his anxiety.”

“Then there’s Colin who’s a busybody and wants to know what’s going on with Ryan. Ryan doesn’t want anyone to know, mostly I feel because he doesn’t want to hear about how sorry they are or the looks that people would give him. He just wants some control over his life right now and not telling people that Pat’s sick is doing that,” I say.

“Ryan is worried about Clare. She tries to assure him that she’s not upset, she moved to our home so can get through her senior year and concentrate on her studies. She’s taking a lot of advance placement classes and has to take test in a month or so in the hopes of obtaining college credit,” Mom said.

“She hasn’t said anything to anyone at school either for the same reason that she doesn’t want people to hear people tell her how sorry they were or the looks as well,” Dad says. “She worried about her Dad and how much a toll this has taken on him. She wishes she could take some of the pressure off him by being here to help out but it’s not feasible.”

“I’m just worry when I have to go on the road again with Colin, how Ryan is going to do? If I could, I would tell Colin to go jump in a lake but then he’d be fishing for more answers. Just wish I didn’t have to leave him in a month.”

“Promise me this, Brad,” Mom begins, “I will call you the moment when the end is near. That’s when he’ll need you the most. I think we can distracted him until then. If you have to tell Colin at that point to get out of where ever you’re at so be it, Ryan will need you here.”

“I promise.”

We talk for a little bit more and all go to bed. Mom insist I spend the night with Ryan, since it’s my touch that has kept him in this realm. The moment I get into bed with Ryan, he turns over and snuggles into my touch. I whisper into his ear, “It’s okay, Ryan. I’ve got you.”

It’s been a week, but Ryan is able to handle the fact that Pat doesn’t recognize him. The next morning when we returned, Ryan realized that Pat didn’t recognized him. But she considered him a friend when he got her ice cream. It brought a smile to her face, which in turn brought a smile to his. Ryan came to the conclusion that as long as Pat was happy, that was all that matter.

~*~

A month passes to quickly and unfortunately I have to go back on the road with Colin for a six week tour. I know he wants to ask questions about what I have been doing but doesn’t. I also know he’s been to my house several times trying to get me to answer the door. My next door neighbor called me and said his security camera footage had capture him being at my house at least once a day, for a week. One day when that neighbor was out, cutting his lawn he told Colin to stop coming over because I was on vacation. I didn’t think he would stop but he did to everyone’s amazement.

 

While Colin and I were on tour, Colin would always try to look at my phone or look over my shoulder to see who I was texting. I would call Ryan only in the safety of my hotel room so that Colin and anyone else who was a busybody wouldn’t hear. I know it was hard for Ryan not able to talk to me at the drop of a hat but he also didn’t want Colin to know what was going on.

~*~

I got a page that I had a phone call at the theatre that Colin and I had just finish performing at. It was Ryan, who had lost any sense of composure to clearly talk to me. I could hear Mom in the background telling Ryan to give her the phone and that she would tell him what’s going on. Mom explained that the end of nearing for Pat and to get home as fast as I could.

“Brad, she was fine yesterday and most of today. Then around 8:00 or so she lays down and her breathing is slow. I called hospice and they explain to me that more than likely the end is near. We’ve just told Ryan and that’s why he panicked called you. I didn’t know it would be this quickly.”

“I’m in Portland right now and already have a flight book that’s leaving in three hours. It will take me another couple of hours before I can get to the house. I can’t be there any sooner, I’m sorry.”

“We know Brad. Hospice is here now. Ryan’s anxiety is through the roof and is pacing throughout the house. He’s trying not to freak out. He can’t sit still and he’s trying very hard not to break down and cry.” If you don’t get here before she passes I’ll text you so you know what has happened.”

“Thanks.”

I tell Mom that I’ve got to go and I’ll be there as fast as I can. I thought about driving back to Bellingham but I wouldn’t get there any faster. I grab my luggage from the dressing room and hustle to the airport. Ryan and I text back and forth until I have to shut my phone off for the flight. I wish I could have called him but I didn’t want someone to overhear the conversation. Surprisingly, even Colin didn’t try to contact me; I guess he had gotten use to my peculiar behaviors during this road trip.

I get to the house about 1:00 a.m. Pat is still alive. I don’t know if I should be thankful but I am. One of the people from hospice greets me at the door and informs me that Ryan has been wishing out loud for me to be there again and again. It makes me more thankful that I’m there with Ryan before Pat passes.

The moment I opened the bedroom door Ryan throws himself at me, crying. I hold him tight, letting him get his emotions out. Once a bit calmer, I lead him to the bed to sit next to Pat. As times passes, I’m sure everyone notices her breathing become erratic and slower until there’s no more breaths. She passes peacefully at 2:54 a.m.

Once the hospice nurse announces the time of death to the person filling the paperwork for death certificate Ryan removes his hand from Pat’s and stands up, albeit wobbly. Worried, I stand up right behind him, put my hands on his arms to balance him. He turns quickly around, bear hugs me, crying. He’s crying so hard that he can’t catch his breath. I begin to panic because if Ryan loses consciousness and we both fall I don’t want to aggravate his old back injury. One of the nurses sees what’s going on and helps me lower Ryan to the ground and maneuver him so that he’s sitting on my lap. He again hangs on to me like his life depended on it. Both Clare and I try to talk to Ryan, trying to tell him Pat’s in a better place, but he’s too far gone in whatever hell he’s in to comprehend what were saying. 

While Clare and I are trying to calm Ryan down, the hospice nurse grabs a second mask that she brought, unplugs the tubing from Pat’s mask and tells me to try and hold it over Ryan’s face as she gets the band over his head to keep in place. I know he’s freaked out with me holding the mask over his nose and mouth but I bend down whispering in his ear, trying to convince him that it’s okay. I tell him things like “I’m right here”; “Deep breaths, bub”; anything I can think of to calm him down. Nothing seems to work until I brush his hair with my hands. I should have realized it sooner, touch is the key. I brush his hair with my left hand. I place my right hand on his face and he grabs on to it like a lifeline. He takes a few deep breaths, snuggles in to me to get more comfortable and in a few minutes is peacefully sleeping.

Once assured that he’s asleep, Mom excuses herself to get Ryan’s bed ready. The hospice people finish the paperwork necessary and call the funeral home to come and retretive Pat’s body. I’m thankful that it’s in the middle of the night. Less witnesses although many of his neighbors know that Pat was ill. Meanwhile I sit on the floor with Ryan sleeping in my lap.

About thirty minutes later the folks from the funeral home arrive at the house. The hospice nurse checks Ryan out and tells me to remove the mask and take him to bed. With the help of Dad holding Ryan, I’m able to slip out, stand up, and pick Ryan up, and take him to bed. I slide into the bed with him knowing that he doesn’t want to be alone, even if he’s sleeping. Ryan slept most of the day. He’s unusually quiet, not eating or say a word to anyone. He was just lost in his own hell. He stays particularly close next to me and doesn’t like it when he can’t physically touch me. 

The following day the four of us go to the funeral home to make arrangements. I was worried that Ryan wouldn’t participate but I was relieve when he does. It does help when I told him I would inform everyone to let them know about funeral arrangements so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone. To make it easier, Dan gives me everyone personal e-mail address and I send out an e-mail explaining what happened and funeral arrangements. I also indicate that if there was any questions to contact me instead of Ryan who still didn’t want to talk about Pat yet. I prayed that no one would ask questions, especially if I didn’t have the answers to them.

Thanfully, everyone from Whose Line comes to Washington to support Ryan and his family during the funeral. Colin doesn’t bring bring Seana with him. After all, it would have been awkward line of questions as to why she was with Colin and not me since they didn’t know why Seana and I were divorce in the first place.

Month after Pat’s death, Colin and I are on the road again for a couple of months. Colin realized that my unusual behavior during our last tour was because I was helping Ryan. He now gives me space when I’m texting or talking to Ryan. I believe he’s finally come to the conclusion that he’s no longer Ryan’s best friend. I am.

I appreciate that he’s respectful of the new relationship and maybe relieved as well. No longer having to deal with Ryan’s quirky ways and fears. Or it’s tit for tat - Colin got Seana and I got Ryan. I think I got the better deal but they are still going strong. I doubt they’ll get married but I do know that Colin is faithful to her while we’re on the roads together. I guess at times opposites do attract.

It takes some time but Ryan finally feels the need to get back on stage. First it’s a few trial runs at his theatre Upfront to sees if he still loves being on stage. When Dan approaches him about another season of Whose Line, he’s ready to go.

A year after Pat’s death, Clare is away for her first year of college, Pat’s parents returned to their home, leaving Ryan alone in a large house. For awhile he enjoyed being alone, able to sort out his thoughts at his own speed, but now it’s lonely. He doesn’t want to sell the house but he doesn’t like the deafening quiet either.

During one of our daily phone calls he tells me he doesn’t like being alone in the house. Jokingly, I ask, “Are you trying to ask me to move to Bellingham?” He surprised me by asking, “You would?”

“Ryan, there’s no reason for me to stay in California. I can move up with you and still work. It’s just a longer commute time. I truly miss you and hanging out with you.”

I kept the house in California, letting my neighbors’ who keep an eye on it while I’m gone daughter and her two small children live in it as she goes through the death of her spouse. Eventually, once I’m sure Ryan and I get along living with one another I’ll sign the house over to her. Within a month of the phone call I am officially a resident of Bellingham, Washington.


End file.
